Shoes, Chickens, and Cancer.

The other shoe has dropped, The storm has arrived, The chickens have come home to roost, The axe has fallen, the dam has burst, The shadow has fallen, The dread prophecy fulfilled...

My cancer is back.

A little dramatic? YES. Something that I knew could be a possibility has happened. I wasn't living in fear. I was LIVING. I was enjoying and appreciating every sunset, every cool breeze, the holidays, my kids! I was LIVING all the ups and downs. Getting through the tough stuff, and loving the good. Living, and watching, and being proud of football season, marching band, relationships, jobs, homecoming, senior year, back porch nights, love and laughter. I was living swept up in a summer that saw my husband have a medical emergency and hospitalization resulting in the diagnosis of a chronic illness. I was glad that school was in full swing, and the feeling of autumn in the air brought a sense of normalcy to life again.

Normalcy. That is until I woke up on September 16th with sore ribs.

It was nothing severe. It just felt like I may have pulled something. By early October, about two weeks later, the pain was still there, and getting worse. I woke up one morning and the pain was getting severe. I was having trouble bending. It hurt when I laughed or coughed. It even hurt if I stepped too hard. I would describe the pain as feeling like I had a broken rib. I called my oncologist, and she had me going for bloodwork and x-ray the next day. They also scheduled a bone scan for me.

I didn't think it was cancer related at this point. I thought, maybe I pulled something. I thought maybe I was having nerve or cartilage issues, since it's on my surgery side.

The x-ray showed nothing. The bloodwork , including tumor markers was normal, except for ALP. ALP is alkaline phosphatase, and can indicate problems in the liver or bones. I was a little worried when I saw that, but knew the bone scan would be the logical next step, and I would want and see what that said. As it got closer to my bone scan date, I was relieved that my rib pain was getting better. I didn't think it was cancer related because I have read that cancer pain doesn't come and go, or get better... it just gets worse.

The week of my bone scan the arthritis in my left knee started acting up again, and I was limping pretty bad.

I remember limping to get my bone scan telling them I was there for rib pain, not my knee.

Turns out it was cancer in my lower femur making me limp.

And a spot on my ribs.

When the report came back, my eyes went to the phrase "Widespread metastatic disease"

My mouth dropped open and I sat there in disbelief. I didn't cry. I didn't scream. I just sat there in utter shock.

The bone scan found cancer in my skull, ribs, sternum, pelvis, and both femurs. The worst spot was my left lower femur going right down to the knee joint. 

I immediately thought of times my arthritis acted up over the past year with the realization that it was probably the cancer all this time.   I had been so vigilant with paying attention to my body, but I missed this, and always attributed the pain in that area to arthritis. 

A CT scan was ordered for my left leg immediately. It was found that I had a large 8.8cm mass eating away at my lower femur. I was told that I am at risk for fracture and to not weight bear as much as it's possible for me. 

I saw an orthopedic oncologist and it was recommended to try radiation before considering surgery. I am scheduled to begin this week.

I had a PET/CT and it was determined that my disease is only in the bones. My bone biopsy confirmed this is a metastatic recurrence of my 2017 breast cancer. It's still Estrogen positive, and HER2 Negative,  but lost it's progesterone receptor.

I am still a candidate for endocrine therapy, and should find out what treatment I will be on this week. 

I will be in treatment for the rest of my life. I will live in three month increments in between scans to see if my treatment is working. If one treatment fails, we move on to the next, and the next until there are no more treatments available.

It has almost been a month since I found out that I have Metastatic Breast Cancer, and I have cried almost every day. It's getting less now, but the tears come at random. I'm so scared on how this is all going to go. I know women get years on treatments, and bone only disease has a 46% 5 year survival rate, but even that seems low to me. I want decades, not years. I'm only 48. I want retirement, grandkids, my daughter’s graduation—more holidays, more camping trips, the golden years with my husband. I want time.

Maybe I'll get it? Then I think, "I'm not special." So many people, even young kids have had their lives shortened by cancer, why would I be different. Why would I get to survive?  That question is not for me to answer. I hope I'll survive for a long time. I will always have hope until I'm told there is none.